Sabah erkenden \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131klar\u0131 evlerine, hastaneden hava karar\u0131rken gelebildiler. Arabalar\u0131n\u0131, binan\u0131n geni\u015f otopark\u0131nda kendi dairelerine ait alana park ettikten sonra, ailece yava\u015f ad\u0131mlarla asans\u00f6re y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fcler. Babas\u0131 \u00e7\u00f6k\u00fck omuzlar\u0131 ve ya\u015flanm\u0131\u015f g\u00f6zleri ile evlerinin kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7t\u0131, e\u015fi ve k\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n i\u00e7eri girmesine nazik\u00e7e yard\u0131mc\u0131 oldu. Otoparktan eve kadarki 50 ad\u0131ml\u0131k mesafe boyunca halsiz k\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n koluna giren ve neredeyse onu y\u00fcr\u00fcten anne, yava\u015f\u00e7a k\u0131z\u0131n\u0131 kap\u0131n\u0131n giri\u015findeki tabureye oturttu. Kendi de k\u0131sa bir soluk verdikten sonra, e\u011fildi\u011finde midesi buland\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan kendi ayakkab\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7\u0131kartamayan k\u0131z\u0131na yard\u0131m etmeye koyuldu.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n
K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z yorgunluktan t\u00fcm a\u011f\u0131rl\u0131\u011f\u0131n\u0131 yuvarlak, tahta, arkal\u0131kl\u0131 tabureye b\u0131rakt\u0131 ve derisi beyaz, ipleri pembe spor ayakkab\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 annesine do\u011fru uzatt\u0131. Art\u0131k b\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131; evde annesinin sessiz a\u011flamalar\u0131ndan, okulda \u00f6\u011fretmeninin kendisine \u00fcz\u00fclerek bakmas\u0131ndan, arkada\u015flar\u0131 ile oynayamamaktan b\u0131km\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Ba\u011fc\u0131klar\u0131 gev\u015fetilebilmi\u015f ayakkab\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 isyan edercesine evin giri\u015fine f\u0131rlatt\u0131 ve minik bedenini duvara yaslayarak odas\u0131na y\u00fcr\u00fcd\u00fc. Annesinin \u2018Karn\u0131n a\u00e7 m\u0131 can\u0131m?\u2019 sorusuna yan\u0131t bile vermeden, odas\u0131n\u0131n kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 sert\u00e7e kapatt\u0131. Koridorda tek ba\u015f\u0131na kalan ve k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z\u0131n\u0131n arkas\u0131ndan h\u00fcz\u00fcnle bakan annesi, \u2018Yine zor ve yorucu bir kemoterapi seans\u0131 oldu.\u2019 diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc. Odada tek ba\u015f\u0131na kal\u0131r kalmaz kendisini mavi pel\u00fc\u015f \u00f6rt\u00fcl\u00fc yata\u011f\u0131na b\u0131rakan k\u0131z da t\u0131pk\u0131 annesinin o an akl\u0131ndan ge\u00e7en \u015fey gibi hissediyordu: Yorulmu\u015f, b\u0131kk\u0131n ve umutsuz. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Topu topu 10 y\u0131l \u00f6nce ilk nefesini alm\u0131\u015ft\u0131 bu hayatta ama son 1,5 y\u0131l\u0131 neredeyse tamamen hastanelerin onkoloji birimlerinde ge\u00e7mi\u015fti. Bu s\u00fcre\u00e7te ne do\u011fru d\u00fczg\u00fcn okula gidebilmi\u015f ne de \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fi mahalle arkada\u015flar\u0131 ile -eskiden oldu\u011fu gibi- babas\u0131 eve gelip, annesi balkondan yar\u0131 k\u0131zg\u0131n yar\u0131 g\u00fclerek kendisini \u00e7a\u011f\u0131rana kadar oynayabilmi\u015fti. Ailesi aylarca bir doktordan, ba\u015fka bir doktora \u00e7are aram\u0131\u015f, bu nedenle de zay\u0131f bedeni her seferinde say\u0131s\u0131z testlere maruz kalm\u0131\u015ft\u0131. Bunlar\u0131 d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fck\u00e7e i\u00e7ine bir karamsarl\u0131k \u00e7\u00f6kt\u00fc k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z\u0131n. Ger\u00e7i d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnmedi\u011fi an da yok gibiydi art\u0131k. Evde aile aras\u0131nda sadece bu konu konu\u015fuluyor, her seferinde de anne ve babas\u0131n\u0131n g\u00f6zya\u015flar\u0131 ile son buluyordu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
T\u00fcm bunlar akl\u0131ndayken, hafif\u00e7e yatakta do\u011fruldu ve uzun kollu, enine siyah – beyaz \u00e7izgileri olan bluzunu koklad\u0131. An\u0131nda y\u00fcz\u00fc ek\u015fidi; hastanenin yine o lanet hijyen ve ila\u00e7 kar\u0131\u015f\u0131m\u0131 kokusu k\u0131yafetlerine, cildine sinmi\u015fti. T\u00fcm halsizli\u011fine ra\u011fmen, kalan son g\u00fcc\u00fcn\u00fc de toplay\u0131p; nefret etti\u011fi bu kokudan kurtulmak i\u00e7in banyoya y\u00f6neldi. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Banyo bataryas\u0131n\u0131 en sola \u00e7evirdi ve su dayanabilece\u011fi kadar s\u0131cak oldu\u011funda, kolu yukar\u0131 kald\u0131rd\u0131. Kaynar ve tazyikli su, du\u015f ba\u015fl\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan akmaya ba\u015flay\u0131nca bembeyaz bedenini ve i\u011fne izinden morarm\u0131\u015f kollar\u0131n\u0131 suyun alt\u0131na b\u0131rakt\u0131. Tam buram buram anneannesi kokan beyaz Hac\u0131 \u015eakir sabun ile v\u00fccudunu keselercesine y\u0131kamaya ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 ki yan dairedeki kendi ya\u015f\u0131t\u0131 erkek \u00e7ocu\u011fun sesini duydu. Sabunlanmay\u0131 b\u0131rak\u0131p, hemen kulak kesildi. \u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc kom\u015fusu bir yandan en sevdi\u011fi \u015fark\u0131c\u0131y\u0131 kasetten dinlerken, di\u011fer yandan ne\u015fe i\u00e7inde \u015fark\u0131ya e\u015flik ediyordu! Bina eski oldu\u011fu i\u00e7in y\u0131llard\u0131r ev sakinleri birbirinin konu\u015fmas\u0131n\u0131, sesini duyar; bu konuyla ilgili de birbirlerine tak\u0131l\u0131rd\u0131. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hem s\u0131cac\u0131k suyun bedenini sarmalamas\u0131 hem beyaz sabunun mis kokusu hem de \u00e7ok sevdi\u011fi \u015fark\u0131n\u0131n etkisi ile k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z yava\u015f yava\u015f a\u011fr\u0131lar\u0131n\u0131 unuttu ve o da g\u00fcc\u00fc yetti\u011fince \u015fark\u0131ya (ve kom\u015fu o\u011flana) e\u015flik etmeye ba\u015flad\u0131. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z bir yandan d\u00f6k\u00fclmeye direnen sa\u00e7lar\u0131n\u0131 nazik\u00e7e sabunluyor di\u011fer yandan da \u015fark\u0131 ile birlikte narin bedenini minik minik k\u0131v\u0131r\u0131yordu. \u0130ki evin karanl\u0131k ve k\u00f6m\u00fcr kokan apartman bo\u015flu\u011funa bakan banyolar\u0131 aras\u0131nda sevimli bir d\u00fcet ba\u015flam\u0131\u015ft\u0131 neredeyse! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u015eark\u0131 bitti, k\u0131z du\u015ftan \u00e7\u0131kt\u0131. Buhar i\u00e7indeki banyoda, annesinin do\u011fum g\u00fcn\u00fc hediyesi olarak ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 ye\u015fil, kap\u00fc\u015fonlu havlu bornozundan sa\u011f kolunu soktu. Tam di\u011fer kolunu da ge\u00e7iriyordu ki annesinin \u00e7ama\u015f\u0131r makinesinin \u00fcst\u00fcnde duran, i\u00e7i envai \u00e7e\u015fit tarak ve sa\u00e7 f\u0131r\u00e7as\u0131 ile dolu k\u0131rm\u0131z\u0131, has\u0131r kutusuna g\u00f6z\u00fc tak\u0131ld\u0131. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
O kadar tara\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inde mikrofona en \u00e7ok benzeyeni (hem sap\u0131 hem de f\u0131r\u00e7a k\u0131sm\u0131 siyah olan) kap\u0131verdi ve banyo aynas\u0131n\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda dudaklar\u0131n\u0131 b\u00fczerek \u015fark\u0131n\u0131n nakarat\u0131na kendi yorumu ile devam etti. Kemoterapiden hen\u00fcz birka\u00e7 saat \u00f6nce \u00e7\u0131km\u0131\u015f ve eve geldi\u011finde kendini yorgun, b\u0131kk\u0131n ve umutsuz hisseden k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck k\u0131z; \u015fu an boyunun yetmedi\u011fi banyo aynas\u0131n\u0131n \u00f6n\u00fcnde, \u00fcst\u00fcnde annesinin do\u011fum g\u00fcn\u00fc hediyesi olarak ald\u0131\u011f\u0131 ye\u015fil bornozu, elinde annesinin siyah sa\u00e7 f\u0131r\u00e7as\u0131 ile bir yandan dans ederken, di\u011fer yandan da kendini izleyen g\u00f6r\u00fcnmez dinleyicilerine co\u015fkulu bir konser verdi. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Art\u0131k kendi \u015fark\u0131s\u0131 da bitmi\u015fti ve iyice yorulmu\u015ftu. Ama konser alk\u0131\u015fs\u0131z olmaz diye d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc ve banyoda etraf\u0131na bak\u0131nd\u0131. K\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck bir ad\u0131mda klozetin yak\u0131n\u0131na gelip, minik avcuyla bas\u0131verdi sifona! Sifon t\u00fcm g\u00fcc\u00fc ile g\u00fcr\u00fcl g\u00fcr\u00fcl alk\u0131\u015flad\u0131 k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck \u015fark\u0131c\u0131y\u0131. O da klozetin \u00f6n\u00fcnde yerlere kadar e\u011filerek selam verdi dinleyicilerin co\u015fkusuna. Bir \u00e7\u0131rp\u0131da aynaya tekrar d\u00f6nd\u00fc, yine dudaklar\u0131n\u0131 b\u00fczerek kendisine de kocaman bir \u00f6p\u00fcc\u00fck att\u0131 ve banyo kap\u0131s\u0131n\u0131 a\u00e7\u0131p, annesine seslendi. \u2018Kurt gibi a\u00e7\u0131m can\u0131m anneci\u011fim, yemekte ne var?\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Y\u0131l\u0131n ilk pazar g\u00fcn\u00fc, Ankara <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n