Bir s\u00fcredir asla azalmayan bir ko\u015fturma i\u00e7indeyim. Bu hissin nedeni, bitmeyen (ve hatta azalmayan) i\u015flere ek; belirsizlik, ait olamama ve teknoloji nedenli g\u00fcn i\u00e7inde odaklanamama tam olarak asl\u0131nda.. Sanki k\u0131s\u0131r d\u00f6ng\u00fcye girmi\u015f, bitmeyen bir gelgitin i\u00e7inde; d\u00fcnya ile ileti\u015fimim gitmi\u015f, k\u00f6klerim kaybolmu\u015f, yaprak misali savurulup duruyorum.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bug\u00fcn, bu per\u015fembe ak\u015fam\u0131, insanlar\u0131n evlerinde sakince uyumaya haz\u0131rland\u0131\u011f\u0131 saatlerde aynada kendime bakt\u0131m. Sevmedim d\u00f6n\u00fc\u015ft\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm k\u0131z\u0131. Nas\u0131l da uzakla\u015fm\u0131\u015f\u0131m de\u011ferlerimden, varl\u0131\u011f\u0131mdan, kim oldu\u011fumdan ve en \u00f6nemlisi kendi k\u0131ymetimden.. Sanki pusulam kuzeyi g\u00f6stermiyor, kaym\u0131\u015f gitmi\u015f. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Birka\u00e7 g\u00fcnd\u00fcr bunlar dola\u015f\u0131yor kalbimde. Asla netle\u015ftiremedi\u011fim bir his yuma\u011f\u0131 ile ku\u015fanm\u0131\u015f gibiyim. Oda\u011f\u0131m kaym\u0131\u015f sanki, akl\u0131m\u0131 \/ yaz\u0131lar\u0131m\u0131 dahi toparlamakta zorlan\u0131yorum. Ve bug\u00fcn, bu per\u015fembe ak\u015fam\u0131 anlad\u0131m beni b\u00f6ylesine rahats\u0131z eden \u015feyin ne oldu\u011funu. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sabah oldu. G\u00fcn a\u011far\u0131rken yaln\u0131z\u0131m! Kocaman bir \u015fehirde, g\u00fcne\u015f y\u00fcz\u00fcme do\u011farken tek ba\u015f\u0131may\u0131m. Kimse yok. Anne, e\u015f, arkada\u015f, evlat, aile.. Kimse yok. Tekim. \u00c7\u0131pla\u011f\u0131m. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Durdum!<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u015e\u00fck\u00fcrler olsun ki sonunda \u2018sadece durabilmeyi\u2019 ba\u015fard\u0131m. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bu kocamanl\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inde sakince durmay\u0131 ve k\u0131ymetimi hat\u0131rlamay\u0131 se\u00e7tim bug\u00fcn. Ve kendime, kalbime yak\u0131nla\u015ft\u0131m. Ke\u015ffetme halinde olmay\u0131, kendime d\u00f6nmeyi nas\u0131l da \u00f6zlemi\u015fim.. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Bu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnceler ile debelenirken, s\u0131\u011famad\u0131m evlere. Kendimi att\u0131m d\u0131\u015far\u0131ya. Ve ad\u0131n\u0131 daha \u00f6nce hi\u00e7 bilmedi\u011fim bir kafenin sar\u0131 renkli verandas\u0131nda bulunan; kare, 7 adet tahta \u015feridin birbirine paralel uzand\u0131\u011f\u0131, sadece bir defterin ve bir barda\u011f\u0131n s\u0131\u011fd\u0131\u011f\u0131, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck, basit, sade bir masada uzun uzun oturdum. Masaya ait yine ayn\u0131 mant\u0131kla \u00fcretilmi\u015f tahta sandalyem, o kadar rahats\u0131z ki, alt\u0131na koydu\u011fu ye\u015fil pofuduk minder bile fayda etmiyor. Ve d\u00fcr\u00fcst olmam gerekirse, bu durum umurumda bile de\u011fil! <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ben aylar sonra yava\u015flamay\u0131 ba\u015farabilmi\u015fken ve ad\u0131n\u0131 daha \u00f6nce hi\u00e7 bilmedi\u011fim bu kafenin sar\u0131 verandas\u0131nda otururken, y\u00fczlerini hayat\u0131mda muhtemelen ilk kez g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm insanlar yan masalar\u0131mda oturdu. Sohbet eden, kavga eden, bilgisayar\u0131na g\u00f6m\u00fclm\u00fc\u015f nefes bile almadan \u00e7al\u0131\u015fan, alt\u0131n\u0131 \u00e7ize \u00e7ize kitap okuyan, mavi sa\u00e7l\u0131, siyah sa\u00e7l\u0131, g\u00f6zl\u00fckl\u00fc, g\u00f6zl\u00fcks\u00fcz, mutlu, h\u00fcz\u00fcnl\u00fc insanlar oturdu, kalkt\u0131 yan\u0131ma. Ki\u015filer hep de\u011fi\u015fti, akt\u0131 gitti sanki etraf\u0131mda ve ben hep ayn\u0131 7 adet tahtan\u0131n birbirine paralel uzand\u0131\u011f\u0131 masada ve rahats\u0131z, ye\u015fil minderli sandalyede oturmaya devam ettim. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Hi\u00e7bir \u015fey yapmadan insanlar\u0131 izledim. Telefonuma ellemeden, kulakl\u0131\u011f\u0131mda m\u00fczik dinlemeden, sade ve sadece bakt\u0131m. Bakt\u0131m ve odakland\u0131m. Odakland\u0131m ve g\u00f6rd\u00fcm insanlar\u0131. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Soka\u011fa \u00e7evirdim sonra y\u00fcz\u00fcm\u00fc. \u00d6n\u00fcmden bir s\u00fcr\u00fc insan ge\u00e7ti. Kimi \u00e7ok h\u0131zl\u0131 ad\u0131mlarla asla yeti\u015femeyece\u011fi bilmem ka\u00e7\u0131nc\u0131 yere ko\u015fturma tela\u015f\u0131nda, kimisi yan\u0131ndakine heyecanla bir \u015fey anlat\u0131yor, kimisi ise k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckl\u00fckten kalma al\u0131\u015fkanl\u0131\u011f\u0131 ile yer karolar\u0131na basmadan y\u00fcr\u00fcme oyununu oynuyor. (\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fckl\u00fc\u011f\u00fcndeki an\u0131lar\u0131nda mutlu oldu\u011fu bir tek o an kalm\u0131\u015f elinde. Garibim, fark\u0131nda bile de\u011fil..) <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ve ben hepsini bir daha asla hayat\u0131m\u0131n sonuna kadar g\u00f6rmeyece\u011fime ad\u0131m gibi eminim. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Baz\u0131lar\u0131 ile g\u00f6z g\u00f6ze geldik; baz\u0131s\u0131 kafas\u0131n\u0131 bile kald\u0131rmadan, fark\u0131ma dahi varmadan ya\u015fad\u0131 kendi an\u0131n\u0131. Kimli\u011fimin, ad\u0131m\u0131n, zevklerimin, u\u011fruna sava\u015ft\u0131\u011f\u0131m do\u011frular\u0131m\u0131n, tutkular\u0131m\u0131n yani \u2018Burcu\u2019nun kim oldu\u011funun hi\u00e7bir \u00f6nemi olmadan, sorgulanmadan, yarg\u0131lanmadan \u00f6ylece izledim. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Ben, bug\u00fcn, d\u0131\u015far\u0131da \u0131\u015f\u0131l \u0131\u015f\u0131l bir hava varken, kalabal\u0131\u011f\u0131n i\u00e7inde g\u00f6r\u00fcnmez oldum. \u015eeffafla\u015ft\u0131k\u00e7a sakinledim, sakinledik\u00e7e tekrar k\u00f6klendim, k\u00f6klendik\u00e7e merakland\u0131m, merakland\u0131k\u00e7a tekrar bakt\u0131m. Bakt\u0131k\u00e7a g\u00f6rebildim; g\u00f6rd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcm ve bana hissettirdi\u011fi duygular\u0131n kar\u015f\u0131s\u0131nda pek tabi heyecanland\u0131m. Bu g\u00fczelli\u011fin ve kendini b\u0131rakma duygusunun fark\u0131ndal\u0131\u011f\u0131ndan uzak ya\u015fad\u0131\u011f\u0131m, kay\u0131p zamanlar\u0131ma ise sadece i\u00e7ten i\u00e7e h\u00fcz\u00fcnlendim.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Sadece durmak, bunu becerebilmek bile bazen derinle\u015fmek i\u00e7in \u00f6n ko\u015ful. \u00c7ok da bir \u015fey yapmaya gerek yok hissetmeye izin vermek i\u00e7in asl\u0131nda. Beden durunca, duygular kendili\u011finden h\u0131zland\u0131.
Ve b\u00fct\u00fcn bu duygular\u0131 damarlar\u0131m\u0131n ta i\u00e7inde, derinlerimde hissettikten sonra kalemimin ucundan \u00f6n\u00fcmdeki kahverengi deri kapakl\u0131 defterime \u015fu c\u00fcmleler d\u00f6k\u00fcld\u00fc: \u2018Bazen ald\u0131\u011f\u0131n ve do\u011frulu\u011fundan emin oldu\u011funu d\u00fc\u015f\u00fcnd\u00fc\u011f\u00fcn i\u00e7in asla de\u011fmemesine ra\u011fmen zorlad\u0131\u011f\u0131n kararlar\u0131n seni yoruyor. Sakinle\u015f ve dinlen. Sen ba\u015fkalar\u0131 y\u00fcz\u00fcnden yorulmayacak kadar de\u011ferlisin. G\u00fcn\u00fcn sonunda, kendimize sad\u0131k kal\u0131p yolumuza devam etmekten ba\u015fka ne yapabiliriz, her birimiz? \u00d6l\u00fcmden gayr\u0131 her \u015fey ama her \u015fey gelip ge\u00e7er; kalan sadece bu.\u2019 <\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u00c7\u00fcnk\u00fc bazen yolunu kaybedebilirsin, tekrar ve tekrar hayallerini hat\u0131rla.. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
23 Nisan, 2022
Sar\u0131 veranda, k\u00fc\u00e7\u00fck tahta masa ve rahats\u0131z sandalye.\u00a0
D\u00fcnya.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Bir s\u00fcredir asla azalmayan bir ko\u015fturma i\u00e7indeyim. Bu hissin nedeni, bitmeyen (ve hatta azalmayan) i\u015flere ek; belirsizlik, ait olamama ve teknoloji nedenli […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2031,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2026","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2026","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2026"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2026\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2030,"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2026\/revisions\/2030"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/2031"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2026"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2026"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.burcutarhan.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2026"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}